matthewnguyen

Where the hell do i belong?

Fuck english. But this question comes straight at me. I have no idea who my friends are and where to hang out. Now this will seem superficial to many of you out there, but its an issue with me. I need to deal with it and blogging is wher i dump my thoughts.

In the present days, i am lost. I dont know whether or not i should go to the selective area, the basketball area, my special study area or the music room. I dont feel any joy at all when i visit any of these areas. Music room is fantastic and all, but it's only with a certain amount of people. Dont get me wrong, music people are awesome, but i would kinda prefer it to be a tad bigger. Sometimes i dont even play and just ponder about whatever. Then again, lynnie will literally put me on the spot to play which is fun. But i have this feeling, not enough people in the music room, yet anymore people could ruin the music room altogether. It's like a party for example. Too many people and it's chaotic. Too little, and it isnt a party in the first place. I dont know. I lost something within me when i dropped music.

Then the basketball court. I dont even talk to half of these people. They get on the court and i watch them ocassionally. I eat and chat with my friends, but it isnt really those deep chats which i enjoy. Pretty much superficial and all. And within this group theres 2 sub groups; my previous group and the actual bballers. Now, these bballers are mostly acquaintences through respect. Just for maths anyway and some are those i consider friends. Then my previous group. I dont even categorise myself into any groups now, i just dont fit in anywhere. Sometimes we handball with the selective area people but most days not really. Kevin doan? I dont even know him anymore. His fb picture is some snsd chick and his name is momizi madog or someshit. It feels like he's trying too hard to be gangster or popular. I seriously dont know those who were my friends now. But i have my few close friends over there.

Then the selective area. A few close friends, but plenty of people who are at the comfortable friend stage. No need to deepen the relationship, its fine as it is. I enjoy talking to some people here, especially conversations of personal matters. There is a joy when someone shares the same problems as you. You feel you arent alone and that both or more people can help each other. I come here to do homework mostly, but sometimes i sit down and just try to relax. Theres just no bonding here. Whatever friendships i have here are ignited now and again but nothing excellent. Everyone has a routine yeah? I dont, and i want one. I come to school and if i have homework, i either head over to the bball area or selective area. I just dont have any attachment to anyone or anywhere. Even if i walk with thomas akash and tim, i can and will head to the selectives, likewise for other people.

I think il go chill in the library, but im not fond of reading books that much anymore. Or i could go to the study area. They may not welcome me due to certain conditions. I dont know. Im just a lostie. Maybe i dont want to belong anywhere. Maybe i can, but havent found it yet. Or even just as likely, i dont have the capacity to belong anywhere at all. And that gets me down.